The Truth.

I'm really having a hard time. No, I'm not talking about my academic-based life in asasi; I'm not quite in the mood to bore all you followers (although I have only 1) with stories about tutorials or quizes. I'm talking about personal life. So, if you'd lend me your eyes... Do read mine.

27th February, 2013.
Sejak sem 2 start... I was never really happy. I was depressed every time I think about us. Kejap gaduh, kejap baik, then gaduh balik. What is wrong with us? Saya penat macam ni. Saya letih asyik gaduhkan benda yang sama selang seminggu dengan awak macam itu perkara biasa, macam itu satu rutin.

After a while, I lost hope. Saya tawar hati dengan awak. Setiap kali awak kata awak rindukan saya, awak actually menolak saya jauh daripada awak. Setiap kali awak menagih simpati daripada saya, seiap kali itu jugalah awak membuatkan saya makin tawar hati dengan awak. Setiap kali awak kata awak sunyi tanpa saya, awak macam mempersoalkan ketiadaan saya di sisi awak ketika awak betul2 memerlukan saya. Everytime awak cakap macam tu sama juga macam awak tak faham keadaan saya dekat sini. So what can I do? I'm right here when you're there. I can't be with you 24 hours. Saya juga manusia biasa. I'm as powerless as you are.

And what's more, saya juga perempuan biasa. Pernah tak awak terfikir yang perasaan rindu, sunyi atau apa2 persaan negatif yang awak tanggung, I might feel worse than you? Bila saya berperasaan macam tu, dekat siapa pula saya nak ceritakan? Boleh ke awak dengar sedangkan perasaan awak sendiri pun tak tertanggung?

Walaupun saya bukan jenis yang romantik, saya ni perempuan, bukannya lelaki. And saya bukan perempuan yang matang, and for surely tak macho macam yang saya selalu cakap tu. Saya gunakan macho tu just untuk sembunyikan kelemahan saya. Saya juga ingin dimanja. Saya juga inginkan seseorang yang I can depend on; who can make me smile walaupun hanya mendengar suaranya; someone who can make me laugh when I don't even want to smile.

How should I explain our relationship before we broke up... It's like, I'm at the receiving end of a phone call. Macam hanya saya je yang mendengar, sedangkan hanya awak yang bercakap non-stop on the line. Macam hanya awak je yang boleh suarakan perasaan awak, sedangkan saya hanya boleh diam membisu, dengarkan je semua yang perlu awak cakap. To me, this relationship dah jadi macam stand-alone complex. It hurts so much.

Which is why I said that kita ni macam budak2. Masing2 nak kan perhatian, nak dimanjakan, nak masing memahami. Tapi since kita berdua dah jadi budak2, apa yang kita expect from each other? Saya tak mampu nak faham awak, nak beri awak perhatian and ruang untuk bermanja sedangkan saya juga perlukan semua tu daripada awak.

I know that dengan my personality macam ni, saya memang tak berjiwang2 sangat dengan awak. Maafkan saya kerana saya bukan orang yang romantik macam awak. Saya tak reti bercinta, juga tak pandai menunjukkan rasa cinta saya. But bercinta bukan bermakna hanya tunjukkan and say we love each other. I feel like our relationship tak seimbang. If dalam hubungan kita ni takde semua kata2 cinta tu, look back, we have nothing. Nothing for us to build our trust on. Takde apa2 untuk diceritakan. Takde pape untuk disembangkan. Kosong.

...Awak.
I have no one to tell about how sad I feel now that you're not here. Every day I have to force myself to stop reading our text messages. Every minute I have to tell myself to stop thinking that I don't deserved to be loved. And every second I have to tell myself to be happy.
The only progress that I've done so far is to stop myself from crying. But do you even know that it actually felt worse that crying itself?

I wanted things to go back as HnS, but I'm scared that if I do, we will only go back to our fights and quarrels, not the 'happily-ever-after' I hoped for.

So, you tell me.

What can you do for our relationship?